The Joke Page

The Joke Page
Alan King - Survived by His Wife (very funny) Are you a Republican, Democrat, or Redneck? Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following situation and question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Democrat's Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor! Or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to discuss with some friends over a latte and try to come to a consensus. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Republican's Answer: BANG! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Redneck's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click..... (sounds of reloading). BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click ... Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or the Carbon Jacketed Hollow Points?" Son: "You got him Pop! Can I shoot the next one?" Wife: "You are not taking that to the Taxidermist!"

You might be Liberal if: You're sure the Constitution explicitly guarantees the right to abortion and gay marriage, but not the right to own a handgun. You think Dan Quayle is the dumbest Vice-President we ever had because he believed a flash card that misspelled "potato," but think Obama is a genius despite the fact he believes we have more than 57 states. You'd be more upset about your favorite candidate being endorsed by the NRA than the Communist Party. You think the same criminals who use guns in the commission of a crime will just hand them over to comply with the law if guns are made illegal. You know that 86% of all income taxes are paid by the top 25% of income earners and you still feel that the rich "aren't paying their fair share of the taxes." You put a higher priority on oil pipelines possibly inconveniencing a few caribou than you do on lowering the price of gas for everyone in the country by drilling ANWR. You're worried that Osama Bin Laden might not get a fair trial if we capture him, but want George Bush thrown in prison for being too zealous in protecting us from Al-Qaeda. You get infuriated when you hear about the CEO of a Fortune 500 company making tens of millions of dollars, but don't see a problem with an actor, basketball player, or trial lawyer making the same amount. You're constantly seeing subtle, coded racism in campaign ads, but see nothing racist about blacks being promoted over more qualified white applicants because of Affirmative Action. You think it's obscene that oil companies are allowed to make 8.3 cents per gallon in profit with gas prices this high, but would never suggest cutting the 13 cents per gallon they pay on taxes to reduce the price of gas. You think George Bush is a chickenhawk because he wanted to fight in Iraq and Afghanistan despite the fact that he only served in the National Guard, but you don't think the same about Barack Obama, who has never served in the military and probably couldn't find either country on a map without help. You think protesting outside of abortion clinics is extremism and should be illegal, but carrying around giant puppet heads while wearing a t-shirt that compares Bush to Hitler is just exercising your First Amendment rights. You think the case for global warming is proven without a shadow of a doubt, but that we need another century or two worth of evidence to figure out if capitalism and free markets work better than socialism. You believe the best way to fix the government screwing something up in the market is with...drumroll, please...more government intervention. You think the first thing we should have done when Russia invaded Georgia was to take the matter to the United Nations, where Russia sits on the Security Council. You spend your days criticizing the use of private jets, SUVS, and luxurious houses that consume enormous amounts of resources and then ride in an SUV to the airport, get on your private plane, and fly home to your luxurious house. You have more nice things to say about countries like Cuba and France than you do about your own country. You think the war in Iraq is unwinnable, but victory in the war on poverty is going to happen any day now if we can just get the Democrats back in charge. You won't even support English as our national language, but can't seem to understand why people worry about tens of millions of illegal aliens changing our culture. You think censorship is absolutely wrong; except when it's applied to conservatives on college campuses or on talk radio via the fairness doctrine. You get more upset about an American soldier accidentally killing a civilian than you do about a terrorist deliberately blowing up a school bus full of kids. You think Fox News is hopelessly biased to the right, but MSNBC, CNN, NBC, ABC, and CBS call it right down the middle. You dismiss NewsMax.com as a joke but think MoveOn.Org and DailyKos are serious new websites You think the real hero of the Cold War was Mikhail Gorbachev. You couldn't care less about what Americans in states like Kansas or Virginia think of you, but you would be greatly upset if a Frenchman gave you a dirty look because you're an American. You think kids in public schools should have to watch Earth in the Balance and read Heather Has Two Mommies, but no piece of literature with the word "Jesus" on it should be allowed within a hundred yards of a school.

You might be Taliban if: You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer. You own a $300 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes. You have more wives than teeth. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide. You've ever opened a can of falafel with a mortar round. You used a Stinger missile given to you by George Bush Sr. to shoot at a helicopter sent by George Bush Jr. You've ever had your camel repossessed. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe. You've ever been asked, "Does this burka make my ass look fat?" You think "The Kite Runner" is the funniest book you ever read. You've felt the urge to rub one out after seeing a woman's exposed ankle. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs. You've ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave." You wipe your ass with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

Jihad Rock, (Sung to the tune of 'Jailhouse Rock') Going to the jihad Don't be late Iraq Syria and Kuwait Don't forget Iran and Lebanon I'll be strappin' on my suicide bomb Let's rock Praise Allah let's Rock Got my beard and my long white smock Going to the jihad rock

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